if i close my eyes, it's all the same

Oct. 11th, 2009

dream a better dream

haha i love watching little taylor lautner be adorable (: it's so funny, because he was one of those adorablely bad actors when he was in sharkboy and lavagirl. but he was still really adorable. and in a few weeks he'll be in the theater without a shirt. aaaah i'm excited.

i recently had a few strange dreams. one was either the night i slept over myra's for calculus, or the night before. i actually don't remember it, except tyler and ali kessler were in it, and that it had something to do with environmental science. but that's it. and then sometime this past week, i had another really strange dream. i was somewhere, and there was a dj and some girl from my yearbook class went up and tried djing for a bit. and then tyler, kody, and billy were there. and i was with a friend, but i don't know who it was. i just knew that it was someone i'm friends with. tyler was kind of a mix of himself and my teamspirit boy (hehe), but my mind recognized him as him, not as the teamspirit boy. but he had on a jacket like teamspirit boy's green one (only it was blue. the collar was up though, like teamspirit boys's :P) oh, and i just looked on facebook, and teamspirit boy had a navy blue one too, like the one in my dream. haha. anyway, tyler was like some almost ghetto kid, and kody and billy were like the kids who did anything he told them to do. oh, and this part was so rude, but some kid in a wheelchair (because of a broken leg) got out of the wheelchair and tyler went to sit in it and kody and billy pushed it. before that, me and whoever my friend was went over to say hi to them, but they said hi then ignored us. but anyway, then the dream switched and they were swimming in my pool. but i had to go to the bathroom, so i went in and before i went i looked out the window and saw them swimming. then i shut the shade and was about to go to the bathroom, when the room flooded with water. and i was like floating up near the ceiling. and then holly and some girl who was her friend came in and i dont remember what they talked about, but i remember i like joined in during the dream but when i woke up and thought about it i was really confused. like, not in a bad way, but whatever they talked about was odd, since they were in the bathroom just kinda hanging out in there.

        i'd like to make myself believe
        that planet earth turns slowly
        it's hard to say that i'd rather stay awake when i'm asleep
        'cause everything is never as it seems

        i'd like to make myself believe
        that planet earth turns slowly
        it's hard to say that i'd rather stay awake when i'm asleep
        because my dreams are bursting at the seams

those dreams were weird. but i've been having other dreams lately (that i dont really remember as detailedly) that were good ish. and then a lot of day-dream type dreams that are good, but are never gonna happen. :\

        this could be your chance now
        to save us both from the mess that we have made

                        --------

        we will barely talk or truely care about being with someone one day
        and yet the moment that they arent there when we want them to be
        we try to find that one thing that reminds us about when they WERE there.
        and we try over and over to make it feel as if they are.
        they arent. but once they were.

i haven't posted anything here since may. eep it's been a really really long time. but when i realized i hadn't been here in a while, i first came back to post something. and then i realized i hadn't read anyone's in a long time either. so i went and read allison's posts. and a few things she said in one stuck out to me a bit. the first, above, i agree with a lot. especially right now. or i think i do. i flip flop from certainty to uncertainty so quickly now. ugh.

        we will have all of the words in the world in our heads,
        planned out to say to someone.
        to write somewhere (such as here).
        but when the time comes we can do nothing. say nothing.

this one, the second thing that really caught my attention, i also agree with. almost after every encounter with another person, whether it be a family member, best friend, good friend, iffy friend, stranger, or anything, immediately after i leave them i think of the things i wanted to say, but couldnt. or i think of things i could have said, but didnt. i spend hours planning out what i can say to people, and when i finally get the chance, i either forget all of it, or decide against saying anything.

                        --------

a while ago, i read through some postsecrets on facebook, and there were some i felt really applied to my life. and most of them still do. and there are some i've tweaked to better fit how i feel about stuff. i had copied them into one of these to talk about, but never finished. so here are the ones i noticed that long time ago when i read them.

i wish i wasnt such a coward, that i could just get up and be myself
i only thing of clever things to say when i'm running a conversation over and over again in my head, long after the converstaion is over
i second guess nearly every decision i make
i am terrified of being alone. i'm terrified of people.

i tell myself it's only a phase and i'm imagining feeling left out, but i'm afraid it's not a phase; i'm afraid it's me
i love my friends more than words can say
i'm afraid that, no matter how hard i try, i'll always be mediocre
i fear for the world and everyone in it
i wish i could see myself as my friends do
i've never been anyone's first choice. i long for the day when i will be

i want to be recognized for doing what i love, especially when it's been a passion i've had much longer than others you associate it with

                        --------

hm. i feel like there was more i was going to say. oof why is this indented? it isn't supposed to be. stupid bullets. they weren't supposed to be there. but when they showed up, i was like "oh, this is cool. okay." but then they messed everything up. and i thought i'd found a way around all the stuff they messed up. but i dont know how to get rid of the stupid indent. grr. hehe my homepage says that i last updated this 23 weeks ago. that was a lot of weeks ago. well, i'm going to go. i'm going to end with these lyrics, because well i'm listening to the song, and i love it.

        and maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year
        and i'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as i go nowhere
        and this is my reaction to everything i fear
        cuz i've been going crazy, i don't wanna waste another minute here

May. 2nd, 2009

prom

last night was kind of lousy, like i had expected. but afterwards was lots of fun (except for the fact i couldn't sleep). today though, i feel so much better about everything. because now it's over, and i can't change anything that happened. it's definitely still going to bug me if i think about it too much or something, but so far it seems like i can handle the lousiness. not all of it was bad, but i'd say about half of the night i was unhappy. mostly towards the very end, and there were points in the end where i'd be happy for a little still. so not a total fail of a night, but not the best night either.

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Apr. 30th, 2009

my shoulder hurts

prom tomorrow. i dont feel very excited though. in fact, i half expect it to be lousy. i'm gonna try not to let it end up like that, but it's going to be difficult. everything i've been feeling about certain things have only gotten worse over the past week or so. maybe not worse in a bad way, but worse in a way that could potentially make prom suck. well earlier this week the 'worseness' wasn't really worse, it was really good. but it just keeps getting worse as prom gets closer. eh i dont want it to be bad, and i'm going to try not to let it be bad. there's a chance that it could be good. or at least a little good. but that chance seems very very little.

i was listening to the radio on the way home from dance, and one of mr david archuleta's songs came on. i only really know two of his songs, but i love them both. seems like both of those songs fit with how i feel really well. and have for a while. i kind of like it a lot. i like his voice and since those songs are really relatable i really really like listening to them :)

four freeze pops. red, red, green, pink. last three were 'tropical' ones. two of the tropical ones are the same as the regular ones though. guess they couldn't get the pink or blue ones more tropical than they already were.

i'm really tired. i think i might go to bed on time tonight. four more minutes. g'night

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Apr. 25th, 2009

a dream is a wish your heart makes

a dream is a wish your heart makes
when you're fast asleep
in dreams you will lose your heartaches
whatever you wish for you keep
have faith in your dreams and some day
your rainbow will come shinin' through
no matter how your heart is grievin'
if you keep on believin'
the dream that you wish will come true
have faith in your dreams and some day
your rainbow will come smilin' through
no matter how your heart is grievin'
if you keep on believin'
the dream that you wish will come true

i had a really good dream last night. parts were weird, but the end was really really happy. and when i woke up, i was really sad to find out it was only a dream. after a little of being awake i thought of this song though, and now i'm not as sad. maybe someday the dream will come true.

four weeks. i'm not too good at this. keep forgetting about it. quite a bit has happened in four weeks. a little bit everywhere. school, friends, people.. everything. but i'm not going to get into all of that now. not enough time. i'm going outside to color with holly :)

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Mar. 22nd, 2009

i could use a bit of summer

wow it's really been five weeks since i updated this thing? doesn't feel like it's been that long. or maybe it does. well, if those five weeks felt like they passed by quick, i hope the rest of the year feels the same way. i want it to be summer, now. last summer was so good. no stress of school, less people problems.. everything was better. and i want that back.

it seems like whenever things are going good again, something bad happens to mess with my head. nothing really bad, but enough to make me think that everything's not headed in a good direction. and then i feel like crap and wonder why i even bother with such ridiculous things anymore. if they upset me so much, either i should tell the people who they concern, or forget about it.. because either it's an issue i'm not sure actually exists, i just think it does, or it's something i know i shouldn't care about anymore. and all i ever do is think about how i dont want to care and i dont even know why i do, so why can't i stop. JUST STOP.

okay so lately i've noticed that there are quite a few songs i listen to that remind me of stupid stuff or kind of relate to how i'm feeling about some stuff right now. or at least pieces of some songs.

well i think i was gonna go somewhere with that last thought.. but i'm tired and want to go to bed. night!

Posted at 12:28 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Feb. 11th, 2009

better today

but i still feel kinda lousy. allison thinks there's hope. and as much as i want to believe her, i'm scared to. because when it turns out there's no chance, i'll be more upset than i already am.

i keep trying to get enough courage to say something. but it's hard. and i dont even think i'd have the opportunity to say anything anyways. because we don't really talk other than in school or online. and i wouldn't want to say anything then.

maybe more later. i've lost what i was going to say

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Feb. 10th, 2009

today was awful

i've had a headache since physics. by the end of the day i felt like crying, and on the bus ride home i almost did a few times. my head still hurts, and i still feel like crying. i'm so stupid. if i were smart, either i would have made this decision sooner, or i wouldn't be in this situation that resulted from a decision i made a while ago. but i'm not smart, so here i am. i've ruined everything. i can't believe that now that i've finally made my decision, it's too late. my head hurts so much.

she thought i would be mad at her. i'm not. but i'm mad at something, so what am i mad at? maybe i'm not mad at all. i'm just upset that there's nothing i can do anymore about this. that now i really have to just deal with my first decision, and my stupidity. i wish i had someone to talk to right now. where is everyone?

maybe if i had decided the opposite. who am i kidding? it took me so long to realize what i wanted, if i had decided differently it wouldn't have taken as long. why now? really, i realize what i want now, and now is when everything's going wrong. should i have expected any differently? probably not. it seems like anytime i really know what i want, everything goes bad. maybe not everytime. actually, i can't think of another time. but i know i've felt like this before. not about the same thing, and i wasn't as upset as i am now, but i know i've felt at least similarly to how i feel right now.

i feel like just giving up. i want to give up school and people and everything. i can't handle all of this anymore. i wish i could run away and find a nice quiet place, away from everything. where i'm protected from all of this that hurts so much. i can't do anything right anymore.

don't leave yet, i'm still here
but wait just a moment
i need time to clear these thoughts
because with them, i'm confused

where've you gone?
i asked you to wait
but you've left me here all alone
did you hear me? did you care at all?

i can't blame you for this
how could you have known?
i wasn't loud enough for you
and the blame is all my own

there is so much going on in my head right now. i want to go back and read what i just wrote there, but i know if i do i won't keep it here anyways. i already know it's terrible, and it doesn't make any sense and probably doesn't even come close to how i'm feeling about this whole thing. i probably shouldn't have written it at all, because what if someone reads this (haha yeah right) and draws the wrong conclusions from it? no one would. but i don't feel right leaving it up there. or maybe i should set this entry to private. i won't do that though. i want to be braver, so maybe this can be a step. even though i know i'll feel embarrassed and stupid when (more like if) someone actually reads this.

i'm being too over dramatic with this. i always get too upset about things. i'm still upset, but maybe too much.

--- got distracted around here for a while ---

i owe myra a lot right now. i needed someone to talk to really badly. i feel better now. i'm still scared and upset about what's going to happen, but i feel a little better. i really really want to take her advice and do what she said i should. but i don't think i would be able to make myself do that. and when would i be able to really? i don't share my worries with people very easily. and it's not like i get many opportunities to do so either.

i really really want to take that stupid poem thing out right now. badly.

my head still hurts.
and could probably use a hug right now.

Feb. 7th, 2009

why is it that

everything goes wrong all at once? okay, maybe not everything. but a lot of things go wrong all at the same time. sure, they may just be little things. but when they're all failing at the same time it kind of makes everything else seem worse. first of all, my computer won't upload the pictures on my memory card. no, it won't even locate the memory card. i put it in the same drive i always have, so why won't it just find my pictures already?! i almost never put pictures up, so tonight i wanted to put up all the ones i've accumulated over the past month and a half of 2009. but, of course, the universe decided to make me suffer, so here i am aggravated. and then there's the wanting to talk to someone who didn't go online at all tonight. honestly, if i had talked to that person like i had wanted, i can't guarantee that i would have actually liked it, because talking to that person doesn't always go well. actually, talking to that person doesn't really go anywhere usually. nevertheless, i really wanted to talk to that person. which just makes me feel even more confused about everything. again. i really just wish i would figure out what i want and make a decision so i could spare myself the confusion. but of course not. since when have i ever been able to make a decision.

Dec. 2nd, 2008

hate spinnerbait?

the only perk to fixing a calculator is that you dont have to go waste $90 more on another calculator. because fixing it means you need it for math or physics homework.

hate ~~spinnerbait~~ school. (thought of that when i was hating school. i want to read more sarah dessen books again! but stupid school keeps me too busy. too bad she isn't british..) i wish i could just drop out. it's not like i know what i want to do with my life anyways.

as always, when something stops bothering me (or at least when i forget about one thing for a little while), something else comes back. before, it bothered me a lot. this time, not as much. does this mean that the person it is about is not as important to me? i hope not. maybe i'm starting to accept that what i was worried about has pretty much come true? i'm upset that the person said that this would not happen, and yet... it did. definitely. that, or it didn't happen, and now they just don't seem to care about me as much anymore. could be that.. though i hope it's not that.

i should just relax, stop worrying so much. but i can't help it.

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Nov. 26th, 2008

survey that everyone posted a long time ago...

^{NINE things about yourself:}^{1. i worry too much. but it's usually only about people, specifically the people who mean the most to me, my closest friends.but not all of them, only a few. and usually, it's the same few.
2. i hate feeling left out, but i seem to let myself feel like that often
3. i don't tell people things when they bother me. only if they keep asking me what's wrong will i tell them.
4. i procrastinate.
5. i want to be better friends with certain people, but i'm afraid to
6. my friends mean everything to me
7. i'm running out of things to say
8. i want to save the world but i don't think i can
9. i'm afraid of just about everything.}^{EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1. honesty makes me happy
2. don't rush me into anything.
3. be sweet, but not so much that it's bad (yes, confusing, but i get it in my head)
4. my friends are so important to me. don't keep me from my time with them.
5. sparkle in the sun :D (haha)
6. understand that i might seem upset with you sometimes, but usually the people i care about most get on my nerves more easily than everyone else
7. don't make fun of me too much
8. just, accept me for who i am. creepy, strange, annoying, (sometimes selfish, as i've noticed), and everything else i am.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot: [lately]
1. friends
2. school
3. writing more (really really want to, but i dont have much inspiration)
4. do people really like me? don't know how they can..
5. certain person/people
6. i need to stop worrying so much!
7. haha certain person at school (not hard to guess who :P )

SIX things you do before you fall asleep:
1. go online and talk to people
2. brush my teeth
3. go to the bathroom
4. fix the sheets and comforter on my bed
5. read for a little/finish homework
6. turn off my light

FIVE people who mean a lot at the moment:
1. kate and justine
2. michelle and allison
3. ola and myra
4. tyler and allie
5. my family and other close friends

FOUR things you're wearing right now:
1. t shirt
2. sweatpants
4. fuzzy socks
5. the two bracelets from this summer (that i don't take off)

THREE songs that you listen to often: (for right now, but will probably change soon)
1. speeding cars by imogen heap
2. everything i'm not by the veronicas
3. got me going crazy by the jonas brothers

TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. meet the jonas brothers
2. write a book}^{ONE confession:}^{1. i sound like a broken record now: i worry too much about everything: certain people, how people think of me, how i think of people, and so much more}

Nov. 24th, 2008

i lurvses you!

so... this is for my one and only ALLISON FERNANDES! because she mentioned me in her post (thank ya! i lurvses you!!), i'm going to dedicate this entire post to her! partly because you're the only who knows i even have a livejournal, allison, and other part because i loves you that much! :D

okay.. so i pretty much LOVE you!! my favoriteeee :) i missed you lots before when we didnt talk much, and then this summer i was sooo happy that we hung out more! and then this year i was SOOOO HAPPY when we ended up having two classes together! i missed you soooo much before, but then i was extra happy that i was finally gonna see you more! i'm glad we're SUPER AWESOME GREAT NEATO friends again (instead of the great friends we were before, when we didn't talk as much :P ), i can talk to you really really easily and i like talking to you about stuff, especially when i'm confused about everything. and you put up with my confused ranting, which is good because i do that a lot. so this post is purty much to say that I LURVSES YOU ALLISON! oh! and i'm the only one who still calls you allison.. don't know if that bugs you or not, but i'm (slowly) working my way to calling you allie :P so this post is all for you :)

Nov. 23rd, 2008

and again

hmm.. so i'm bored, and not doing my history homework, so i'm gonna fill out another survey! yay fun.

001. Has it ever snowed on Christmas?
yes.

002. Do you like bright colors?
yes.

003. What's your favorite animal?
all of them.

004. What's your favorite band?
jonas brothers.

005. Have you ever played spin the bottle?
no.

006. If so, who did you end up kissing?
course not!

007. How many hours do you usually sleep?
about 6 or 7. weekends and vacations closer to 9 or 10.

008. Do you have any piercings?
ears, but i don’t really wear earrings much.

009. What kind of printer do you have?
hp.

010. Have you ever been so dizzy you fell down?
only when i spin in circles really fast for fun, when i was little, haha.

011. Do you like to go outside or do your prefer to stay inside?
depends on my mood.

012. What do you usually do inside?
read, go on the computer, work on a puzzle, watch tv or movies.

013. What do you usually do outside?
walk, swim, sit, other stuff.

014. Who do you usually spend the most time with, besides family?
friends and such.

015. Do you know what hypochondriac means without looking it up?
um.. not right now, but i know i’ve heard of it before.

016. Do you ever wonder how you're going to die?
not how, but about when and stuff.

017. How do you think you are going to die?
i don’t know.

018. What color is your shower curtain?
white/tan ish. sea shells!

019. What color is your house?
white i think, but it’s too cold outside right now for me to go check.

020. What color is your car or your parent's car?
mom- silvery blue. dad- off whiteish?

021. What is something you've been thinking about a lot today?
everything.

022. Do you drink alcohol?
no.

023. What about coffee drinks?
not real coffee much. more of cc drinks with coffee and chocolate and good stuff.

024. Are you addicted to caffeine?
don’t think so. hope not.

025. Write something here that may be an inside joke or something someone reading this wouldn't understand.
hm.. like what? wifey, swartzenmishelley, mongo papa big, badonkadonk, and so many more.

026. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
no.

027. Did you want Yang and Burke to get married?
who?

028. What tv show do you like to watch but don't get to watch often?
charmed, Gilmore girls.

029. Would you like to be on Deal or No Deal?
no, i’m indecisive.

030. Do you think you could win the million dollars?
with lots of luck.

031. What case would you pick?
8.

032. Have you ever watched the Phantom of the Opera?
no.

033. Do you think Finding Nemo is too popular?
no. i lurvses it.

034. What flavor of ice cream do you prefer?
vanilla, black raspberry, soft serve pina colada.

035. How do you like your meat?
eh i don’t eat it too much.

036. What pizza place do you prefer?
chops i think. Rachel made some good pizza today though.

037. Do you say y'all?
huh?

038. Pick a foreign country.
which one?! Australia, Poland, Greece, England, spain…

039. What do you like about that country?
Australia- kangaroos. Poland- olar. Greece- Kostas. England- accent. spain- that i could somewhat understand what they’re saying.

040. Have you ever been there?
no.

041. Do you wear sunglasses a lot?
only when i drive because i bug my mom for hers so i can see.

042. Did you know that Halloween is actually a religious holiday?
Spanish holiday? dia de los muertos?

042. Is your family religious and not celebrate Halloween because they think it is "evil"?
my dad doesn’t like it because he had a dog that died once on Halloween. i like trick or treating.

043. Do you own any dresses?
yes.

044. Would you eat a bug for $1,000,000?
probably not, but what kind of bug?

045. Is anything bothering you right now?
probably. there’s always something bothering me. but i’m not thinking of it right now.

046. When's the last time you hung out with your #1?
number one what? pencil?

047. Where was your default picture taken?
it’s an icon.

048. Where did you get your layout on xanga?
haven’t gone to xanga in a few years.

049. What can you hear?
tv (pirates of the Caribbean 2), music (right now nicest kids in town, but will probably change in a second).

050. What can you smell?
i don’t know.

051. What emotion are you feeling right now?
is procrastination an emotion?

052. Are you a boy or a girl?
girl.

053. iPod or MP3?
ipod.

053. Have any good jokes?
maybe?

054. Got a favorite comedian?
i don’t know, do i?

055. How many xangas do you have?
probably three or so that i don’t use anymore.

056. Is anyone in the same room as you?
thought my dad was in here, but i guess he went to bed already.

057. Where are you at?
dad’s tv room/ computer room.

058. What's in your closet besides clothes?
shoes, a few purses, harry potter poster, boxes filled with stuff, gameboy advanced games in a bag, probably more stuff.

059. Find the closest book and turn to page 48. What's the first whole sentence?
“The other girls file out the door as Mrs. Nightwing barrels over to me with a girl in tow.” – A Great and Terrible Beauty, by Libba Bray.

060. Close the book and open it up again to a random page. What's the first word you see?
“hold”.

061. Favorite season?
i guess summer, but i like them all a lot.

062. What boy's name do you love?
i love the names nate, ben, and.. what was the other one… there was one more.. nope. cant remember.

063. Girl's name?
i don’t think i have a favorite, but right now i really like the name bailee (even though it isn’t usually spelled like that and could be either boy or girl).

064. What colors are you wearing right now?
white, gray, blue.

065. What food would you like to be eating right now?
ice cream.

066. Any compliments today?
went to justin’s house today. if there were any compliments, they would have come from justin’s mom or Rachel, not mr. g or justin itself. (hahaha). if it’s compliments i gave, i told Rachel her pizza was good.

067. What would you do if a random person came up to you and told you they liked your pants?
say “thanks” then probably turn to one of my friends and laugh a little from the randomness of it.

068. Are you happy right now?
yes. (but didn’t you just ask what i was feeling before? i put procrastination, not happy).

069. Have you ever egged someone's house?
no. sounds like fun, but it’d be mean.

070. Toilet papered it?
again, no, sounds fun, but mean.

071. Ever gone camping?
kind of? spent a night or two in my grandparents’ camper thing once, and once in my uncle’s.

072. It takes six to eight hours for food to pass from your stomach to your small intestine. What's in your tummy right now?
chocolate chip cookies, pizza, batter from the bread mixes.

073. Any allergies?
some kind of pink medicine. don’t remember the name.

074. The last time you got flowers was when?
dance recital :)

075. Do you just randomly quote lyrics out of the blue?
sometimes. mostly only for jonas brothers songs though. haha.

okay, so, homework time? maybe. maybe not.

Posted at 05:54 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Nov. 17th, 2008

oh look, it's a survey!

so, procrastinating is fun. i'm not quite done my youth in action papers, but i decided i'd take a quick break, and guess what i found? A SURVEY!

Bold what you have.

1. A spaniel
2. A tabby cat (does had count?)
3. A hamster (again? had )
4. Red socks
5. An ipod nano
6. A celebrity's autograph (the jonas brothers! holly’s friend casey’s cousin got it for holly, and my sister is the bestest sometimes)
7. A Disney movie on DVD (lion king!!! and probably a few more)
8. A copy of Lord of the Rings (the book) (well, the third one, which i haven’t read yet)
9. Over 200 survey xanga subscriptions
10. A fruit bowl in the kitchen (does it count if it’s just a bowl that we sometimes put bananas in?)
11. Over 20 books (oh yeah =] )
12. A VCR
13. A DVD player
14. Purple eye shadow
15. A messenger bag
16. A grandmother over 80
17. Old Valentine's day cards (i have ola’s harry potter one from like elementary school! and kate’s from last year or the year before)
18. Over 5 pillows
19. Hoop earrings (don’t wear them, but i have them)
20. A studded belt
21. A silver pen
22. Converse
23. Asthma
24. Hidden photographs (some of our photos are behind others, if you call that hidden)
25. Postcards
26. Mugs
27. Pills
28. Body lotion
29. A mobile phone
30. A drum set
31. Handcuffs (or.. can’t remember if my dad still has them or not. probably not.. cuz he’s retired…)
32. Ice cream
33. A clock
34. Over 5 purses/bags
35. A boyfriend
36. A karaoke machine
37. A tie
38. A Metallica CD
39. Over 3 xangas (don’t even remember how many i had way back when)
40. A silver bracelet
41. A minor medical condition
42. Tangled hair
43. A stomachache
44. A broken window (i think something’s wrong with my window. not broken like shattered, but broken so that something’s wrong and i’m getting a new one)
45. A football
46. Deodorant
47. Posters
48. A nightlight (in mah bathroom! with a green light!!)
49. A BEBO profile
50. Glasses
51. A widescreen TV
52. A bad memory (oh yeah)
53. A birthday on a holiday
54. No friends
55. More than 1 survey xanga
56. More than 5 magazine subscriptions
57. Stencils
58. An 80s compilation
59. A jewelry box
60. A small house
61. No life
62. A tiara (little tiny doll one, but holly has a big one too)
63. Lipstick
64. AIM
65. MSN
66. Yahoo
67. Creativity
68. A niece or nephew
69. No cousins
70. Broadband
71. A good singing voice
72. A pin board
72. A corset
73. Black eyeliner
74. A compact mirror
75. Antidepressants
76. A bad mother
77. A bad father
78. No siblings
79. Friends online
81. No pets
82. Chalk
83. Boxes
84. No real home
85. Framed photos
86. A video camera
87. A basketball net
88. Green eyes
89. A small chest
90. A church nearby
91. Braces
92. A stereo
93. Love letters
94. Poems
95. Curly hair (or at least i have some really curly pieces underneath most of my hair)
96. Broken bones
97. Popcorn
98. Hair dye
99. A dictionary
100. Old records

Posted at 10:00 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

and again

now that i've talked to said person from previous post, i wish i'd never thought all of that. i should stop thinking. it would solve everything, because these problems are all in my head and don't really exist outside of my head. i'd probably save myself from many headaches if i would just stop thinking and just be.

Posted at 09:47 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Nov. 16th, 2008

wish i could tell you

no matter how much i try to convince myself, and no matter how many times you try to reassure me, i can't help but think that it's going to happen. one day soon, you won't be there for me anymore. now i'm not the best when it comes to predicting what will happen, but it feels like this will come, like everything is leading up to this. you have him. he is your world now. so do you still need me? from where i stand, it doesnt look like it. please dont misunderstand me. i'm more than happy for you, probably happier than you know. and i do not want to make you feel bad in any way, for you've done nothing wrong. but i miss you, and it feels like you only miss him (every second you are apart from him it seems). you're not losing me, and you never will. but you can't say that i'm not losing you. you spend so much time with him, and still you want more, yet you say constantly that you wish to spend time with others. it might only feel like the time you spend with him is short, because to me, it seems like every time i turn around you're with him. and even when you do have some time (though that's rare), there's always someone else around. and there's no time for me. but why do you still need me, when you tell him everything? and no, i'm not exaggerating. he knows everything, so i dont even have those few little things that you could only tell me. i have no place anymore. but it's not fair, because you're my friend, my best friend, and i should be happy. i am, but at the same time i'm hurting, because you dont need me anymore. when you remember, you may want me there, but do you really need me? i'm not sure about that anymore. you have him. and when you're not with him you're only wishing you were with him. i don't think i want to fall in love. maybe i'm not ready for it yet. or maybe i'll never be ready for it. but i don't think i could handle wanting someone so much that i'd unknowingly and unintentionally push my friends away. i know it's not your fault, but you're doing it. i don't want that. i dont want some guy to have that much power over me. i dont want him to be the reason for my happiness or sadness every day. i want to be happy just because i'm there, and because there are people who love me, whether it's him or not. i want to spend time with my friends, to laugh and dance with them. and if he was there, i wouldn't be able to do any of that, but that's all i want. you're whole life is your him now, but i think my whole life is my friends, and i don't want that to change. you tell me to tell you a story, to tell you what's been happening in my life lately. there's your first clue that you're drifting away. second clue: i can't think of anything, because i don't know what the last thing i told you was, and it seems like it's because i can't think far back enough. i love you. and i always will. and that's why this hurts so much. that's why you having him, and not needing anyone else hurts so much. i want to only be happy for you. because a best friend shouldn't want anything more than her friend to be happy. but i can't be completely happy, when i don't have you at all anymore. so i guess i'm not your best friend, because a best friend wouldn't feel this way. you'll always be my best friend, at least i hope so. but i don't think i'm a good enough friend to be yours.

and the worst part is, i'll never say any of this. i can't bring myself to come even close to saying all of this, to saying how i feel.

Posted at 06:50 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Oct. 24th, 2008

don't worry. be happy?

i cant get rid of the unhappy. i dont know why i keep feeling unhappy all the time. the past few days, i've been only happy for brief moments. most of my time is spent worrying about something and feeling bad about myself and how i make myself feel more upset than i should. and i take little things and turn them into big problems.

i have spent most of this week unhappy. i'm tired of it. i know some reasons why i've been unhappy, but really, i dont see how they can cause so much unhappiness. most of these reasons i've dealt with before. apparently i havent entirely resolved these issues, but i've dealt with them and moved on for a time. but now, it feels like they aren't going away. i know it's my own fault, because something small happens, and i overthink and bring the unhappiness upon myself. but it never stops. i miss being completely happy.

i want for things to not bother me. i want to not feel jealous of people, specifically one person. i want to be happy, all the time, or at least for one full day. i want to care less about what other people think, and about what i'm afraid of them thinking. i want to know what they're thinking. i want to stop feeling unincluded. i want to keep a happy feeling when i encounter one. i want to stop wanting.

Posted at 09:31 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

i'll be there for you

it's like you're always stuck in second gear
when it hasn't been your day,
your week,
your month,
or even your year...
i'll be there for you
when the rain starts to pour
i'll be there for you
like i've been there before
i'll be there for you
cuz you're there for me too

((okay so i originally wrote this like a day or two after the previous post, but i didnt finish before i had to get offline that day and then i was too lazy to come on here and finish and post. well, i guess i did finish, because i didnt add anything and i forgot what i was going to say about it. so here it is.))

it's thoughts like those in my previous that make me feel like a terrible friend. this morning, this morning, i talked to one of the two mentioned before, and now i feel terrible for thinking the way i did before. because i now know she felt the same as i did before, as if the person we both love would rather talk to the other of us. and i now feel terrible because she has more reason to feel the way she does than i do to feel as i do.

i need to learn to open up to the people i feel closest to. i almost didnt talk to her this morning about what was bothering me, and once i did, i felt better. because i know she's there for me, and that she loves me. i know that i have the best friends i could ask for. so why do i feel ashamed and embarrassed and like i cant tell them what's bothering me? i know part of it is that i dont want them to feel bad for the parts that involve them, but still, they're my closest friends, so why do i feel like i have to keep things from them?

Oct. 10th, 2008

we all need a best friend

to understand
a best friend
to take your hand
you know
whatever life puts you through
i'll be there for you

i'm not so sure i have a best friend anymore. i have best friends, the friends who i care most about and cant imagine my life without, but i dont think i have one person who i can tell everything to. during the summer, there were two people i called my very best friends. two people who i knew i could tell anything to no matter what. but now, i feel as if both are pulling away. well, not necessarily pulling away from me, but they have other people to confide in, other people to spend time with. the idea of losing one of these people is hitting me hard right now. when it's just me and her, i feel as if it's like it was this summer, two very best friends. but as soon as that one other person joins, a certain person who i feel just about everyone gravitates towards (i have even found myself to cling to her, although i wish i could let go of that tight hold i have on her friendship), i feel as if it's no longer me and my best friend. sure, both of them are some of my best friends, but when they're together, it seems as though they would be fine without me. like they're each others's very best and i'm just there. i used to be the first person she told everything to. now i may be one of the first, but not the first. and i really wish that it wasnt so. because now i dont know who to turn to first when i need to talk. there are a handful of amazing people in my life who i can go to, but when i had that one person, it felt really nice to know who i could turn to first with a problem. now i just feel like i've lost my best friend.

Posted at 11:41 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Oct. 6th, 2008

cause that's just the way we roll

and i know
we get a little crazy
and i know
we get a little loud
and i know
we're never gonna fake it
we are wild,
we are free,
we are more than you think
so call us freaks
but that's just the way we roll

i hate that i feel i have to strive for the affection and approval of my closest friends. they're my friends, and they're not going anywhere. so why do i feel i need to prove myself to them? why do i feel like no matter how hard i try to be a good friend, there's always a few more people they'd rather spend their time with? why do i feel at times that my best friend isn't really my best friend? that she'd rather have someone else to confide everything in?

why do i think all of this
when i'm almost certain
there's no way it can be true?

Posted at 09:39 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend